Batch 6

• Clinton one step closer to White House. In other news, President Obama’s funeral will be covered on all major television channels at 12:00 today.

• Cure to male pattern baldness invented. Yarmulke sales plummet.

Batch 5

• Pakistan’s government re-stabilizes. India welcomes back its neighbor after 61 years of “teenage angst”.

• The moon’s recently stabilized atmosphere results in rising settler numbers. China plans to relocate booming pollution industry.

• “Made in China” becomes popular vernacular for "dangerous product". China bans internet searches of the word “China”.

• Report on easiest majors released. Communications students given extra credit for rebuttals submitted days prior to due date.

• Marijuana found to have several negative long term health effects. America takes harder line against possession. Jewish Zionist movement revitalized.

Batch 4

• Emergency oxygen masks replaced with a copy of the Bible on Korean Airlines. More people saved in case of emergency.

• America no longer a majority Caucasian country. Affirmative Action plants the seed for extreme socialism.

• The term politically correct becomes politically incorrect. California declares war on itself. African Americans still widely use the n-word when referencing each other.

• Evolution proven correct. Evangelicals establish the First Church of the Primate.

• Pluto reinstated as a planet. Rag shop sales of Styrofoam balls go through the roof.

• Tree upon which money grows discovered. Medical schools suffer dire shortage of applicants.

Batch 3

• Evolution Disproved. A new species of pig with wings appears.

• Hollywood makes billions from producing terrible sequels. Schwarzenegger sworn in for a second term as governor.

• O.J. Simpson found hanging in basement. Goldman’s release “If we broke into his basement with a maid’s key, poisoned him, and hung him from his own bathroom plumbing.”

Batch 2

• First black president. NAACP suggest renaming the White House.

• Women’s wages finally equal men’s. Women’s life expectancy finally equals men’s.

• China’s economy surpasses America’s. South Korea, Japan, and Russia finally become friends.

• Populations soar and malnutrition rises. The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences posthumously awards Jonathon Swift the Nobel Prize in Economics.

• English slowly phases out, having been replaced by a simplified version of Chinese. Tupac’s posthumously compiled album Strictly 4 My C.H.I.G.G.A.Z. goes platinum in hours.

• Continents finally reform in a neo-Pangaean fashion. Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalates.

• Women proven to be worse drivers than men. The United States suffers a dire shortage of actuaries.

• Bible becomes second most famous book in history behind George W. Bush’s autobiography, “Everyone Makes Mistakes”.

• Physicists reconcile gravity and quantum mechanics. Flying cars proven impossible. Bicycles become standard form of transportation. The yo-yo makes a popular return among youngsters.

• 12 year old girl takes naked photos of herself and circulates among 7^th grade male classmates. Judicial system explodes.

• American economy enters second great depression. U.S. president rumored to have conducted secret talks with Germany.

• Cure to cancer found. Longer life expectancies raise the age for retirement. Job-related deaths skyrocket.

• Hair designers present avant-garde new styles. Donald Trump hailed as “ahead-of-his-time"

Batch 1

• Google buys nuclear weapons. Microsoft argues for tighter U.N. sanctions.

• Kofi Annan leaves office. U.N. sells exclusive third world country development licenses to Hyundai and Samsung

• Islam takes over Europe and Christianity moves to Asia. America messes with Texas.
  

• College sports fanaticism is added to Dante's work posthumously as the 10th and final level.

• Cloning legal. Men rethink marriage.

• US Government contracts NERF to make nonlethal offensive weaponry.

• American Chipko adherents lobby congress to make Christmas trees and their trafficking illegal.

• Roller Coaster Tycoon desensitizes youth to theme parks. In other news, Six Flags renamed Coney Island 2.

• Sylvester Stallone's Funeral II

• Jesus returns... reports on the fiscal state of heaven and proposes larger collections baskets.

• Ice caps melt. Japan sinks. Teenage boys everywhere go through pornography withdrawal.